Him.

I sit silently on my bed as he walks out of my room for the last time ever. He doesn't shut my door, but walks limply out and down my hallway, for the last time. And I am numb. I'm not sure whether it's from the fact that I am feeling too little, or feeling too much. Can I accept that it's over, or do I even really know what's happening? He has been crying for the past couple hours, and I am crying with him; I am crying with him as he promises over and over to kill himself, for I am the only girl that he will ever love. I am crying as he screams and cries and tells me not to, but I hold my ground. I am grabbing his arm as hard as I can and trying to prevent him from leaving, and he almost succeeds b ut does not really go, so I win this time. If I think back hard enough, I can still feel his arm in my hand, I can still feel my grip and my desperation, but mostly the guilt which ate at my insides those months ago. I can still see the knives in my kitchen. And I can see myself in my Chargers sweatsuit in front of the full length mirror in my parents' room, telling my mom that this is all my fault. I am so drained that I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to feel for. I cry and I cry and cry and nothing can take away how wrong I feel. How bad I feel, that I did something wrong. I wake up and Thursday is the happiest day of my life, I am happy and running around my math class and telling everyone what happened, because I am so relieved and maybe if I tell enough people, I will be able to start over quicker. I guess it isn't true. I guess it isn't true as I sit here many months later, on April 13, 2005. I think back and wish I could block it all out, but I can't. He is still dating Krysta like he was a year ago, and there is nothing I can do, and I cannot go back and make him keep his promise. I cannot go back and let him run out my door to go kill himself. I cannot rewind and put down the cigarette or put down the pipe or put down the bottle. I cannot go back and erase my promises. I can't fix what I've done, except to quit. I can stop this, and I remember the promise I made to myself about 8 days ago. Never again. I still wonder what he is doing. I still think about what happened on New Years. I still think about him, every single fucking day. And about how he won't disappear from my mind. He is stuck, and so am I. And my only option left is to pull myself completely out- but can I do this? I wonder...