himhimhim.

some days i wake up and can't believe i'm doing things this way, but i am.
i like a boy.
he is nice, occasionally funny, and just a sweet person in general. i'm glad i met him; i really am. i'm not glad that i seem unable to let go of the past however, and that sometimes even his name brings back the memories i swore to myself i would one day forget. i dislike how i can't get in to a relationship with him because i'm too scared of the consequences, good or bad. i'm terrified of relationships currently. i don't want to get near them because i'm afraid i'll get hurt again, or things will go wrong, etc. it's funny how i thought for so long that i needed a new boyfriend, someone to complete me, when really all i needed to work on was trying to complete myself. it's going to take a lot of work-- can i do it? sometimes i hate the way certain things make me feel, as if i'm helpless and unable to change anything about the one way track my life is (or seems to be) on.
i really like this boy though, and i hope things will work out for the better.
i need a good thing in my life right now, i really do.

ps-- about the 'triple' title, i believe something seems to mean more, have more emphasis or seem more important when you say it three times. try it for yourself.

untitled

life is a one way train to nowhere, seriously. if you want to get technical about it, it's like a videotape that doesn't have a rewind button.

think about it. the train keeps on rolling and rolling on it's neverending track. if stuff falls off, it doesn't stop, it doesn't stop.

that's the problem with things like life.
they don't have pause buttons.
or rewind ones.
or stop/eject ones.

damn it all to hell.

My thirtieth post, oh my god.

Okay who cares.
Now that I've gotten that out, onwards with things.
My blog is a whiny bunch of shit. I just read some random guy's blog, and it was really funny, and I was like hey, why the shit don't I do something interesting? That was a terrible run on sentence.
Anyway, the next few weeks are always the worst weeks of the year.
Why?
BACK TO SCHOOL!
Good old me, still being 15 years old and beginning Grade 11, I still have 2 years of joyous school left. God damn my parents for not screwing in 1986.
School is okay-- the course work isn't that hard, and if I'm lucky I can pass everything without trying very much and get honors. Unfortunately, my school is full of preppy Diesel/FCUK bitches, my best friend is moving away and I'm going to end up alone eating my lunch in empty hallways like last year.
Joy.
Anyway, now that I'm done my short rant, I better get off to clean my room because it's a huge fucking mess (I'll probably end up sleeping).
Farewell to whoever is reading this.
Most likely no one.

friends.

so today, i was reading something my friend (whose name I'll leave out) wrote in her blog, about her dad. he died last year, and she's only 16 now. she wrote so many things about him, and it was so heartfelt, i almost cried. i can't imagine what it would be like to go through something like that. it would have to be so terrible. i would be so torn up if i lost any of my family members.
sometimes i think the world is really cruel. why do things like this have to happen to such nice people? i think this is why i don't believe in god, or stuff like that. because he hasn't proven himself to me. some days, i just tend to be so mad at the world--especially when horrible things like that happen to friends of mine.

new me.

it feels like i did the right thing.
he asked me out, and i said no. i had to. it was the only thing, and i had to be fair to myself, and to him. and i honestly feel like it was the right thing to do.
i will not have another brandon scenario. i will not screw myself over again. no no no.
i need to get my priorities sorted before i let another person into my life. i cannot just go around dating whoever i want because i'm desperate and feel like i need some love. i need to learn how to love myself first, or i'm never going to make it in the real world.

i am sick. sick sick sick.

It's true, I'm sick of so many things.
01. I'm sick of annoying customers at work. I'm sick of them telling me what to do, and thinking they're smart, and can get by the rules. I'm sick of them being rude.
02. I'm sick of spending my money on impulse purchases. I need to learn how to save, but everytime I want to get around to making a savings account, it never happens. I need to quit procrastinating.
03. I'm sick of my inability to have one night stands, except when I'm drunk. I'm sick of how emotionally involved I get.
04. I'm sick of eating too much and not being able to stop, or not having the power to. Even, not having the motivation to.
05. I'm sick of assholes playing shitty songs on the radio. I'm sick of turning to every station and not finding something to listen to. I'm sick of the fact we have no CD player in our car.
06. I'm sick of the shitty bus service to South Edmonton Common because Edmonton Transit and Ralph Klein are retarded.
07. I'm sick of the fact that Trent is moving away.
08. I'm sick of people's ageist bullshit.
09. I'm sick of being bored and having it seem like there's shit all to do, anytime.
10. "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."

"Perfect Imperfections"

I won't wait after the guy who chases after me. Who ditches his friends to hang out with me. Who tells me I look beautiful with smeary makeup and sweatpants (because I don't). I won't wait for the guy who will sit under the stars with me for hours, or who will carry my bags when I'm shopping. Nor the guy who tells me how lucky he is to have me 24/7. I'm not planning to wait for the guy who calls me back after I hang up on him (because face it, if I hung up, I don't want to talk, retard). I refuse to be sad waiting for the perfect guy to pop into my life.

Because let's face it, he doesn't exist. No one is perfect and I think people should realize that. Face it, you can't have everything you want in a person. The guy you're waiting for is not going to come. I refuse to wait for the "perfect guy", because think how many great people I could miss out on while I'm busy preoccupying myself with perfectionistic attitudes.I'm not being desperate, just realistic. Didn't someone once say that "Love isn't about someone being perfect, it's about making the imperfect person perfect." It's true. Just a thought.

And another note, I wrote this by myself. Unlike the 600 girls on nexopia who copied it off each other's pages to use on their own. Please ask for permission if you'd like to use this.

©R.H.'05

"You're Such A Sucker For A Sweet Talker"

I believe that this is true for everyone, except people who have already been suckered by sweet talkers.

Personally, I think human nature makes people suckers for sweet talkers. Think about it-- a nice girl or boy comes up to you and compliments you all the time, or says generally sweet things. Because they show so much interest in you, you might be inclined to like them, have a crush on them, etc. Depending on what happens, things might go further. Originally, although some people might beg to differ, you weren't suckered in by their good looks, or nice personality, etc. Although they may have been contributing factors, the ultimate reason was that they sweet talked you and made you feel good about yourself when it felt like no one felt that way.

You had low self esteem, or maybe even moderate and they rescued you from it, because it finally felt like someone cared.
But did they really?
Because after all, "you're such a sucker for a sweet talker."

Love can make you blind.

hollow.

Right now, I'm not sure which is worse-- feeling lonely, or hollow. Devoid, empty. That's how it was last night. Either way, I think both are feelings you get when you realize that the person you have a crush on doesn't like you back. It seems to happen to me everytime. I hate that feeling. In a society like the one we have right now, looks almost get you everything. Everything. If you're pretty, I think it's what attracts the opposite sex to you in the first place, at least for the most part. Then they realize whether you have a good personality or not, etc.
But what if you're not pretty?
What then?
And what if you're shy also? I'm not sure how you're supposed to attract someone to yourself if you're quiet and only have exceptional (or average) looks. Pretty people get all the luck, and I'm too bitter. The End.