whining.

A friend of mine, Brian, just told me today that he could die because his heart is failing. The doctor told him that his heart isn't strong enough to pump the blood through his veins, so he has to take steroids and hope something works. If not, he will probably have to get a transplant. He might die, and apparently he's actually prepared for that (or putting on a brave front, either one). That really scares me, because Brian is such a nice kid, and of course doesn't deserve this, and yada yada yada.
I really hope he will be fine. I really do. And I'm not Christian, so I can't pray, I can just hope in my heart that he will make it through this. Although I want Sean so badly right now and it's bothering me, I feel so thankful to be at least mostly healthy (minus the depression and diabetes which are infact treatable and being treated), with an $8/hr job and a family who loves me, and friends who care. I have a roof over my head, and food to eat (enough to become overweight, if I wanted! :P ).
I'm on the honor roll at school and I don't have problems with drugs or alcohol, nor do I really have any enemies. God, I'm so....lucky....is the only word that comes to mine. Even if I can't have Sean, or pass Chemistry with over 80%, I'm still so lucky.

The next time you complain about how you have no friends when you really do, or how you can't afford that iPod y ou've been looking at, or that new bike, or that hot outfit, think, for christ sakes....At least you're not dying. You've got a house. You're healthy. When is enough enough?

Apparently never. We live in such a superficial society.
-sigh-

ps-- I'm not lying, I complain also, at many points, but this is what I'm thinking right at this moment.

"slip"

original post:
nexopia blog Sunday April 23 2006

slip.I'm so confused with you right now.
It's almost like I hate (well, dislike) and love you at the same time, and don't tell me it's not fucking possible, because I feel it right now. And I think about it all the time, it's annoying the fuck out of me. If I had a snowflake for every fucking time I overanalyzed this, school would be cancelled...for the entire winter.

I love you so much, I'm not sure if it's crossed the metaphorical 'friends' line yet. I might be toeing it. I might not. Or I could be long past, but I'm not sure, either I'm in denial and I stepped over a long time ago, or I'm not and I'm just hallucinating. You know what bothers me? The fact that it could viably be either one. I just don't know. I haven't got the control in this situation that I crave.

After we grew apart a little, it started to bother me. I knew it was inevitable, with something like that presenting itself, things were never going to be the same, as much as I wished they would. And then the distance grew a little. I know you care still, but I don't know whether you care about me half as much as I care about you. We haven't seen each other in a long time, and we never talk on the phone, or anything like that. We still understand each other like we used to although things have changed, but it's difficult without the physical presence.

I miss you, I don't miss you, I hate you, I love you, I need you, I want you to get out, I want to call you, I want to hang up the phone. I want to drive to see you, I want you to make the effort first. I want to know you care, I want to know you care.

I'm driving myself fucking insane. I'm pretty sure she was right in the first place because she's smart about that kind of thing, maybe I should just leave it, but it's so hard to stay away. There's this urge to pour my heart out all the time and let me tell you, it's hard to fight. Your other friends tell me about the fun things you guys do and I almost get so jealous I can't stand it. I'm happy you've got them, really I am, but I wish I still did.

I'm going insane, or I'm just being a girl.
Either way it feels like my heart is splitting in half, the stitches popping one by one by one.