Once.

For one time, I would like to remember. Sometimes remembering can be terrible, but often it is filled with nostalgia, with passion, with contentment. One can look back at memories and elaborate on how they are pleased with what happened, because they gained something from it, whether it be from a lesson, or from a single moment, whether simple or complicated. I have become so accustomed to forgetting, to letting go, to moving on. It's okay that I dated him when I barely liked him at all, I can forget about it. I can move on and let go, because I didn't get attached. Or at least I can lie to myself about it convincingly enough, for long enough. It's okay that I let him get the best of me, because the best wasn't even really that great. I can forget. I'll live. It's fine that he doesn't like me, don't worry, I can move on. I can let go, and I can forget how I felt, how I clung to his sweater in hopes that maybe something would happen, how I hung off every word, trying to read as much meaning into it as possible. But I can let go. I can forget. I can move on.
And I don't. Letting go is possible, but forgetting really isn't, because things such as these occur far too frequently. I can move on, but really, how far am I moving, and in which direction? In retrospect, I might even be back where I started: scared, and not trying. For once, I want to remember a lovely ex boyfriend. An ex boyfriend that would bring me flowers, which were not roses, and my favorite type of coffee. Not the Tim Hortons shit that tastes like battery acid and nicotine, stagnating in a reddish plastic cup. If only I could remember multiple males courting for my attention, making me happy in a way that would make ME happy, not being degrading in a way that would make them happy. But I look back, and it's not like that. It's not like that at all.
I dated a bunch of people I didn't like because I was lonely, or felt sorry. It didn't get me many places, except to a place where I know I shouldn't be doing stupid shit like that. But that doesn't help me move forward.
I am so, so, so, scared. Please somebody help me, in a way that actually makes sense in my difficult, peculiar, unusual mind.