Once.

For one time, I would like to remember. Sometimes remembering can be terrible, but often it is filled with nostalgia, with passion, with contentment. One can look back at memories and elaborate on how they are pleased with what happened, because they gained something from it, whether it be from a lesson, or from a single moment, whether simple or complicated. I have become so accustomed to forgetting, to letting go, to moving on. It's okay that I dated him when I barely liked him at all, I can forget about it. I can move on and let go, because I didn't get attached. Or at least I can lie to myself about it convincingly enough, for long enough. It's okay that I let him get the best of me, because the best wasn't even really that great. I can forget. I'll live. It's fine that he doesn't like me, don't worry, I can move on. I can let go, and I can forget how I felt, how I clung to his sweater in hopes that maybe something would happen, how I hung off every word, trying to read as much meaning into it as possible. But I can let go. I can forget. I can move on.
And I don't. Letting go is possible, but forgetting really isn't, because things such as these occur far too frequently. I can move on, but really, how far am I moving, and in which direction? In retrospect, I might even be back where I started: scared, and not trying. For once, I want to remember a lovely ex boyfriend. An ex boyfriend that would bring me flowers, which were not roses, and my favorite type of coffee. Not the Tim Hortons shit that tastes like battery acid and nicotine, stagnating in a reddish plastic cup. If only I could remember multiple males courting for my attention, making me happy in a way that would make ME happy, not being degrading in a way that would make them happy. But I look back, and it's not like that. It's not like that at all.
I dated a bunch of people I didn't like because I was lonely, or felt sorry. It didn't get me many places, except to a place where I know I shouldn't be doing stupid shit like that. But that doesn't help me move forward.
I am so, so, so, scared. Please somebody help me, in a way that actually makes sense in my difficult, peculiar, unusual mind.

ugh.

Normally I don't write such angsty little directionless rants, but I'm mad, and I'm depressed, and I'm annoyed too, which makes for someone/something not so very happy.
It's really interesting when your entire life is going pretty darn good minus a few little things, and then something comes up, and fucks it up, and it's your fault. It's my fault for liking this person. I let myself do it, and now I'm depressed because I won't do anything pertaining to making a move or such nonsense, therefore I get to accept they don't feel the same and move on. Accept they don't feel the same, and move on. Accept they don't feel the same, and move on. What a disgusting, shitty little sentence. So why does it keep popping up? Oh right, because it keeps happening. Over, and over, and then over again. For some reason, I must have really horrible taste in people, as they just never seem to like me back. I am not honestly that bad of a person. I've fixed my negativity. I'm not hideous. I'm smart. I can listen, and I can talk, and I can be funny too, sometimes in multiple ways. So honestly, what the fuck? I am sick of this. Oh wait, that's a fucking understatement. I am sick of it happening not once, or twice, but over and over again. And because I'm so sick of it, I end up settling for less, which is also my fault, and then I get treated like shit. And then it gets worse, and I feel worse about myself, and I am back on the same stupid low-self esteem rollercoaster, and then it repeats. Some stupid 18 visions song is repeating in my head now--- obsession/desire/depression. Obsession/desire/depression. They never wanted me.... Sounds familiar, does it not? I am so goddamn sick of being stuck in this depressive black hole. And I am so sick of not being able to/just not doing anything about it. I keep forgetting my meds too, which is double not cool, because then the mood swings just get worse. Anyway, i'm going to write this, and no one important is going to read it,but I'm STILL waiting for the day when the smart girl beats the pretty girl. I better sit back and put my feet up.
Oh yeah, and maybe make a goddamn latte.

eleven fifty two ponderings

Some days, I really do think I want him staplegunned right to my side all of the time. I know I don't, but somehow it might be comforting.
Why is it so hard to let loose with how one actually feels?
Why can't I say anything?

I like music.

Okay, I'm original.
Not.
So I've decided to make a list of bands, randomly, and because I feel like it.



Bright Eyes. Emily Haines and the Soft Skeleton. Tegan and Sara. Death Cab for Cutie. Margot and the Nuclear So & Sos. Stars. Alexisonfire. Coldplay. Straylight Run. Rachael Yamagata. Paramore. City and Colour. Rise Against. Brand New. Simon and Garfunkel. The Postal Service. Imogen Heap. The Spill Canvas. Cat Power. Death From Above 1979 (RIP :( ). Bush. She Wants Revenge. Something Corporate. Jack's Mannequin. Ladytron. Hole. Tilly and the Wall. Snow Patrol. Frou Frou. Eisley. Rilo Kiley. The Goo Goo Dolls. Maria Taylor. Senses Fail (their older stuff). Weezer.

English Project

Dear Life, and World, and Everything Left,

I am unsure of who will find this, so let me tell you a small bit about myself. I do not believe it is possible to encapsulate one's entire life in a note, but I must try. I am a 26 year old lawyer. My successful practice is located downtown in this city, slightly left of the intersection to 4th and 27th. It is a tall brown building with few windows, when I look out the one facing East, I can see the river valley, and to the West, I can see the downtown core, overflowing with buildings and factories. When you write notes like these, I believe you are supposed to get to the point quickly: but do I have one? I am dying by my own hand because I believe I have nothing left. All the others I know fail to see this. How can a successful lawyer want to die so badly? Apparently, those others do not know me very well. I have struggled with depression for the last ten years, but have kept it hidden masterfully. The small blue pills I took on my coffee breaks (few and far between) were not for the headaches I frequently claimed to get because of work related stress. They were for my [enter vocab] depression. Apparently I hid it well, but you were all too blind to see it. However, this is not a letter of blame, for I cannot blame anyone but myself. Too often in the world, people try to blame others for their own misfortune. My favorite author, Oscar Wilde, said it beautifully: "There is a luxury in self reproach. When we blame others, we feel that no one else has the right to blame us." Everyone has the right to blame me for this terrible act, yet I have no right to blame them.
However, we are back to the topic of why I wish to die. In my entire life, I have accomplished many things. Attending an Ivy League school at the age of 18, graduating with a 4.0 GPA, and coming from a happy family, amongst others. However, I feel unsatisfied, compared to my colleagues and friends. They are the ones with husbands or wives, and children. They are the ones that go home to their families after work, capable of feeling love, and affection. They exist outside of their jobs, they are confident souls that are not afraid to take risks. I am not them. I lack confidence on a large scale basis, and I feel incapable of love and affection. When I was a teenager, I had experience with such things. However, they failed each and every time, for because I could not love myself, I was incapable of loving another. This lack of affection has followed me everywhere I go. As I walk to work in the morning, I feel pangs of jealousy and despair every time I see a couple. They have succeeded, so why can't I? I can climb my way to the top of the ladder at the office, with the number one record in the city, and I am incapable of love. This is to be my downfall.
To those who attempted love with me, I am sorry. I am sorry for hurting you, for being incapable, for lowering your confidence and making you feel inferior. I am a grown man, yet I am crying writing this. The great philosopher David Hume once said that "[he] believed that no man ever threw away life while it was worth keeping." I am strongly in agreement with this statement. I am "throwing away" my life (do we really wish to call it that?) for it is really not worth keeping. I may be intelligent, I may hold records in my profession, however these things do not make me happy. I despise myself, and there is nothing that anyone, including myself, can do to change that. With this, I give my final farewell.

Your words.

"I'm sorry for drinking so much, Rachel, I know it matters to you."

Sigh.

:'(

The same song line is playing in my head over and over:

Rather give the world away, than wake up lonely.
Rather give the world away, than wake up lonely.
Rather give the world away, than wake up lonely.......

Does everyone in our stupid society have such a terrible fear of abandonment that they cannot live without other people? I think so. Fears of abandonment, however, come in varying degrees. I am so scared to lose him that I think I am worrying way too much and trying to hold on tighter than I should.

Someone once made an analogy about a butterfly.
It's like love, or like, in this case I suppose. If you let it have too much freedom, it flies off, if you hold it too tight, you crush it. I am so terrible at comfortable mediums.

Am I screwed for the rest of my life?
No, am I really.....?
Fuck, I probably shouldn't have drank that much, or smoked that much weed last night.
I feel so....foggy....

This Weekend

So, this weekend was really awesome.
Jeff and I and some of his coworkers got together and drank and yeah, it was probably the best drunken experience of my life.
No makeout sessions.
No crying sessions.
No hangover.
No puking.
and, not much sleep.

Therefore, I declare this weekend a success.
:)

The Walk Home

The first thing I notice when I step out of the house is the snow glittering like diamonds on every imaginable surface. I am not wearing my glasses, and although it is near two am in the morning, I have to squint to see properly. Fumbling for my house keys in my new bag, I see the beauty everywhere. Many people think it might be impossible to notice such things on a side street of Millwoods before the morning light has ceased to break through the clouds, but I know differently. Some houses still have their Christmas lights turned on, and the reds yellows blues and greens form small pinpricks of colour on the snow. Not a sound is heard except for my feet crunching softly on the snow, no sirens pierce the night air, no cats meow, no birds whistle. I know I've broken curfew, so I quicken my pace, breaking into a run after a while. When I see the intersecting street, I slow down, knowing it will be icy. The first night I slipped there, and I don't wish to repeat it. More glittering particles sparkle up at me from the asphalt as I turn the corner, now walking slowly. No cars are out at this time of the morning, so I walk down the middle of the road, cautiously awaiting the sound of a passing vehicle. I glance up at the sky and notice its odd color, a mix between charcoal, blue, and indigo. No stars are visible tonight, nor are any clouds. The moon glows softly down at me, although the sky appears as if morning is about to break through its surface like a diver waiting to plunge underwater. I know this is impossible, as it is nowhere near sunrise, but for an instant this does not matter. Finally, I reach my driveway, although it has only taken two minutes, I feel like I have been thinking for two hours. Slowly I walk up my driveway, nervous that my mother is still awake although I know this is doubtful. My keys open the locks without any trouble, and I tiptoe downstairs so as not to wake anyone. Before turning on the lights, I stop for a moment, and let the feeling envelop me. Merriam Webster, my trusty online dictionary confirms it is contentment. I think I agree.

'No Transitory'- an Alexisonfire inspired rant

Is there really such a thing as "always tomorrow"?
I don't think that made much sense. Basically, what I'm asking is whether you can just continue to rely on tomorrow, or whether it's just an endless procrastination that will bite you in the ass one day.
Firstly, a dramatic example. Say you are in love with your boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife or significant other, or whatever. In short, someone you REALLY like. But for some reason, you are scared to tell them. Scared of the rejection? Maybe. Scared of what they say? Possibly. Who they'll tell? Another possibility. So you keep putting it off for tomorrow, tomorrow, and tomorrow again. And then one day you die randomly, hit by a bus or something, and never had the chance to tell them.
Or, for a less dramatic example. You've got a test coming up Friday. Today is Monday. You will study- tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and eventually it is Thursday night at 12 AM and you're struggling to keep your eyes open while you read Chapter 1 of your 20 Chapter textbook.
Sound familiar?
Well, maybe there isn't such a thing as always having tomorrow.
The contrary fact, or quote, might be to "live like you will die tomorrow". Somehow, I find this equally unappealing.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I'd be doing a LOT of stuff- possibly mouthing off my boss, telling everyone exactly how I felt about them, castrating my ex with a machete, eliminating everyone who is not a best friend from my life, etc. However, the key is that you would be living LIKE you would die tomorrow.
So what if you didn't? To put it very bluntly, you'd basically be fucked. If I mouthed off my boss and didn't die, I'd probably get fired. If I told everyone exactly how I felt and didn't die, I would see a LOT of feelings get hurt, and probably feel their repercussions. If I castrated my ex with a machete he'd probably get his retard drug dealer friends after me to blow my head off with some sort of illegal, unregistered automatic weapon. You get the point.

Maybe things are difficult because people cannot predict their lives. However, this also makes life a lot more interesting.

So, here's the conflict. You can live like there's always tomorrow, or live like you will die the next day, but in reality, neither of them is really a plausible solution. So what are you supposed to do, just judge things as they come, etc? Find a balance in the middle? But how?
No wonder people these days are fucked up.

Legal Age

18+ shows honestly make me really annoyed/upset.
I can think of two particular reasons of having them, so alcohol can be served and so annoying teenagers don't screw around. But honestly. When your favorite bands are coming to town and you think you will have the opportunity to see them, it's really a blow when you go to Ticketmaster's website and learn that the show is 18+, and you are underage. It must be worse in places like BC for example, because their legal age is 19.

I still think it would be better for bands to play all ages shows, though. Maybe to make everyone happy, they could play an all ages show, and an 18+ show? It would certainly give them the opportunity to get more money (I know I know, blah blah blah, all bands aren't monetarily based), and it would give ALL fans a chance to experience live music. And if people who are over 18 have a problem with teenagers, they could go to the 18+ show.

In general, I think SOME legal age stuff is stupid. For example, I know people my age, or underage, that are smart and mature. And, I know people of legal age who are, let's say...dumber than a sack of hammers. Obviously society has to set regulations in place to regulate things such as alcohol and tobacco consumption, etc, it just frustrates me sometimes.

dear heart,

Some days, I am scared that you might jump out.
That all of a sudden, the cavity of my chest
Might not be suitable for you to live in anymore.
One day, while I am walking down the street,
I will burst open spontaneously,
Scattering drops of blood across the sidewalk
Like red paint on canvas, like art.
Tiny pieces speaking volumes.
You will run down the street, arms flailing
Wailing that you are now free,
Free to be who you want,
Free to love?

Oh, life.

Tanya and I were having a discussion about life the other day.
Some meaningful things actually came out of my mouth.
Well, my fingers rather, 'cause I was typing.

Pretty much.
I mean at school, all year, every year, since kindergarten, we're always asked what we want to be when we "grow up", or how we are going to make a difference, etcetc. Maybe they've all already learned it's pointless, and are simply waiting for us to learn the same thing, or maybe they are so close minded that they just can't see that yet either.

I mean, honestly. We're supposed to be doing what is considered morally right, or whatever. Get good marks. Be a good person. Be nice. Don't throw food. Don't bully, etc etc. But you are essentially right, those goals impact absolutely nothing outside of our close minded little world. Being an atheist, I don't believe in life after death, so I don't see how much of a point those silly little goals have, other than to get us a "good and respectable place in society".

You're right....we really are insignificant. What is to say that any human being has more importance or relevance than a star, or something seemingly useless? I really couldn't say much on the 'creator' theory, because I don't really believe in it, but I honestly think faith and religion have a place in the world simply because they comfort people...I mean, it's so much easier to say that god is "testing you" or "rewarding you", but really, it might just be you doing a good job or fucking up personally. (that doesn't make much sense, sorry)

It is kind of weird to just think we are controlled by a bunch of electrical impulses and chemistry, and the only thing that essentially differentiates us is at the basic genetic level, my hair is light brown and yours is darker because of some gene, or people have different skills or different levels of intelligence, again, because of some gene.
I think people are trying to make life out to be some big huge endeavour when it might not actually be that....


I honestly don't think [life] amounts to much of anything.
Sure, you can make an impact on someone, but unless you are someone like, say, Gandhi or an extremely famous musician or extremely famous person, etc, you really aren't going to impact a lot of people.
And even if you do, does it really make a difference?
Let's face it. People like to live and want to make a difference, but honestly, all life could very well be useless. So why would it be relevant anyway? One useless person can walk around and make a difference on another person, but by that logic, both would still be useless anyway. What are we really accomplishing?
Maybe there isn't really a point, that's what occasionally scares me.

English 30AP Free Write

Question: What is the meaning of life?

(Take note, when you are doing a free write, you just have to pick up a writing instrument and write for 5-10 minutes STRAIGHT without stopping. I have not edited this. It is just a flow of thought)

How is anyone supposed to really know, though? I mean, honestly. Unless you have interviewed every single person on the Earth (6 billion? More?), then how can you define it for everyone? You can't. For example, the meaning of life to a docotor might be to save as many people as he/she can while maintaining a positive influence, while the meaning of life to a crack dealer might be to deal as many drugs as he/she can and get really rich, whatever. But until you can actually get inside someone else's head, how the hell are you supposed to know? My hand hurts. I think the problem is that so many people only believe in their meaning of life and don't stop to cnosider others. They are so effing close minded that they always think they, and no one else is right. So what if someone's ultimate goals are different? They're pursuing their life, not yours. Maybe the reason we have so much conflict is because people can't accept that the connotation of being right can be different for different people. Can I stop yet?

Reflections of self.

My lack of confidence and self esteem is really bothering me lately. It causes problems that could be written off as minor to become larger issues than they are in reality. This causes me to be sad when I don't need to be.

I personally think I have a really good life. All my basic needs are being met. I've got shelter, enough food to eat, clothes to wear. I have two great parents who love me and my friends, who don't verbally, sexually or physically abuse me. I have a good paying job, I work with people I like. I get good, even great grades when I'm in school, and I work hard. I can afford luxuries in life, like expensive coffee, too many pairs of shoes, and music, all three of which I love. I have three best friends who I care about immensely, and I have other good friends that I also care about. I'm not overweight and my medical problems only consist of Diabetes, Asthma and Depression, all of which can be treated with medications (which I can afford, mind you).

So why, every time I have a crush on a guy, do I go into a huge downward spiral? I hate it! Everytime I like someone, or think someone likes me, I get excited for nothing, and of course nothing happens, and then I get disappointed, and I get hurt.
I'm going to compare it to getting drunk, so as to analogize my point. In the beginning you feel pretty good, headed out to drink with friends. You have complete control of your situation, and everything seems to be going well. You take the first drink. Still you feel good, but things might be starting to get a little out of control, you are doing things that you might not do if you were sober. As you continue to dip into the problem, and drink more, you may start feeling worse and worse and worse but you still keep sipping that cooler, or chugging that beer, or slamming back a few more shots of vodka until you're completely out of control, sobbing on the floor, throwing your guts up because you gave yourself more than you could take. And it was your fault. Your choice. You picked up the bottle and tipped it back, no one forced you.
You picked out the guy. A crush developed. No one forced you, but somehow it was uncontrollable.

I am a self-admitted control freak. I like everything to be perfectly in order. I hate group work because I don't trust people to do a good job in general. I have to have schedules planned out so I know what is going on, and when. I control my diet rather rigorously (partially because of my diabetes). I don't drink, because I lose control. I try my best to keep myself out of situations where I lose control.

I think I might be so scared/confused regarding the dating scene because when you like someone, it is completely out of control. I know for a fact that when I have a crush, it is extremely difficult to control my feelings and thought processes. As a result, I get confused in the situation, panic, and often end up getting hurt.

I tried to swear off dating and liking people to regain my control of my situation. But there's only so long that one person can stay in denial.

I just wish it would stop hurting. I want it to go away. Some nights, I feel like curling up in a ball and passing out, just so it will all go away for a few hours. So I don't have to think, so it doesn't matter that I'm not in control. But everything can't be cured with sleeping, as I learned about a year back.....I just want it to stop so bad...

I was talking to a friend of mine, Katrina, last night.
What she said made a lot of sense.
Here goes.

Katrina - manood... manoodle... ma noodle! MASOOD!... i finally have brown friends!! haha britni says:
i think you're too mature for guys this age
Katrina - manood... manoodle... ma noodle! MASOOD!... i finally have brown friends!! haha britni says:
and then way older guys are intimated by your maturity
rach;; so fuck you, and your untouchable face. says:
that could very well be it, come to think of it

Some quotes I liked.

"If for one minute you think you're better than a sixteen year old girl in a Green Day t-shirt, you are sorely mistaken. Remember the first time you went to a show and saw your favorite band. You wore their shirt, and sang every word. You didn't know anything about scene politics, haircuts, or what was cool. All you knew was that this music made you feel different from anyone you shared a locker with. This is what music is about."
- Gerard Way

*in reference to some sappy love song on the radio*

"This song is so sweet it gives me diabetes...."
- my mom

" Enemies stab you in the back
Friends stab you in the front
But best friends don't carry knives. "
- Unknown

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."
- Ricky Fitts, American Beauty

"Friendship isn't partying with a group of people to get drunk or chatting with him/her once a week, it's exactly the opposite. Friends make sure you get home safely and they help you when you need it, no matter the scenario. They don't care about what clothes you wear or what you look like, and they don't last for a day. Real friends are more interested in what direction your life is headed rather than your popularity. They care about what you have to say and how you feel, and once you meet this person you'll know it without having to think twice.
- Morgan Tang"


rach;; i'm bringing my meat cleaver on westjet! says:
WE COULD BE LIKE THE NEXT CROSS BETWEEN DEATH CAB AND THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS!!! In the words of my dad, "They actually look normal!"
Ruined says:
HAHAAHHA
Ruined says:
ya
Ruined says:
but im serious lets do it
rach;; i'm bringing my meat cleaver on westjet! says:
that would be fancy
Ruined says:
just me you and a drummer
Ruined says:
no guitarist
Ruined says:
keane style
rach;; i'm bringing my meat cleaver on westjet! says:
hahaha
rach;; i'm bringing my meat cleaver on westjet! says:
who ?
Ruined says:
lol nvm
Ruined says:
we will DESTROY THE OPPOSISITION
rach;; i'm bringing my meat cleaver on westjet! says:
LIKE JACK LAYTON!!

"If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call to make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?"
--Stephen Levine

Are your palms sweaty, your heart racing and your voice caught in your chest?
-It isn't love, it's LIKE.
You can't keep your eyes or hands off of them
-It isn't love, it's LUST.
Are you proud, and eager to show them off?
-It isn't love, it's LUCK.
Do you want them because you know they're there?
-It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.
Are you there because it's what everyone wants?
-It isn't love, it's LOYALTY.
Are you there because they kissed you, or held your hand?
-It isn't love, it's LOW CONFIDENCE.
Do you stay for their confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt them?
-It isn't love, it's PITY.
Do you belong to them because their sight makes your heart skip a beat?
-It isn't love, it's INFATUATION.
Do you pardon their faults because you care about them?
-It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.
Do you tell them every day they are the only one you think of?
-It isn't love, it's a LIE

NERDY MATH PICKUP LINES!
you must be really good with your TI-83, cause you know how to push my buttons.
are you an overdue library book? cause you've got FINE written all over you.
if you were a triangle, you'd be a-cute one.
oh, you're doing math homework. i see you like numbers, want mine?
i'd expand your polynomial any day.

"The beautiful thing about music and lyrics are that they are open to interpretation. People can take away whatever meaning they want from any song."
-Alex Varkatzas (Atreyu)

What's in a name?

This is a music entry.
Until I can think of a web address for a music blog, my musical entries can just go in here.


Today on Last.fm, I read a girl's journal entry of songs with people's names in the title. I thought it was neato so I'm going to go through my list and see how many I can find...I have 1212 songs on my computer, so let's see how it works out.

Alanis Morissette- Mary Jane
The Beatles- Eleanor Rigby
The Beatles- Lady Madonna
The Beatles- The Ballad of John and Yoko
The Beatles- Hey Jude
Brand New- Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis
Bright Eyes- Arienette
Bright Eyes- Padraic My Prince
Bright Eyes- Tereza and Thomas
Bright Eyes- Laura Laurent
the Calling- Adrienne
Death Cab for Cutie- What Sarah Said
Death Cab for Cutie- Song for Kelly Huckaby
Hawthorne Heights- Niki FM
Hole- Jennifer's Body
Hole- Mrs. Jones
Jack Off Jill- Vivica
Jack's Mannequin- Vivica
John Mellencamp- Jack and Diane
The Killers- Mr. Brightside
Louis XIV- Louis XIV
Louis XIV- A Letter to Dominique
Lustra- Scotty Doesn't Know
Margot & the Nuclear So and So's- Jen is Bringin' the Drugs
Melanie Doane- Adam's Rib
My Chemical Romance- Helena
The New Pornographers- The Mary Martin Show
Rachael Yamagata- Moments With Oliver
Saving Jane- Mary
Shawn Colvin- Sunny Came Home
Silverchair- Ana's Song (Open Fire)
Skye Sweetnam- Billy S.
Smashing Pumpkins- Ava Adore
Stereophonics- Dakota
Stereophonics- Lolita
Sufjan Stevens- John Wayne Gacy, Jr.
Thursday- M. Shepard
Train- Meet Virginia
Uncle Outrage- Sad Ashley
Weezer- Buddy Holly

40 songs total. Hmm...

Audio Books...for real.

I just thought of a wonderful new invention.
A book that also plays music to go along with the characters' moods, or the moods of the scene, etc.
Let me explain.
For example, in a scene with a lot of tension, a song with a lot of tension would play when the scene or conversation started. Or, when people were....having sex or something, some kind of love song could be playing, or even a song about NOT being in love, which would provide a sort of dramatic irony for the reader.

Or, in teen novels for example, when the kid is off listening to their angry music because they're pissed at their parents, the book and its words could be describing the person's thoughts, while the music describes their feelings.

Hmm, very interesting...
The only problem would be that so many people listen to so many genres of music, it would almost be impossible to coordinate music.

However, it was a neat thought.

whining.

A friend of mine, Brian, just told me today that he could die because his heart is failing. The doctor told him that his heart isn't strong enough to pump the blood through his veins, so he has to take steroids and hope something works. If not, he will probably have to get a transplant. He might die, and apparently he's actually prepared for that (or putting on a brave front, either one). That really scares me, because Brian is such a nice kid, and of course doesn't deserve this, and yada yada yada.
I really hope he will be fine. I really do. And I'm not Christian, so I can't pray, I can just hope in my heart that he will make it through this. Although I want Sean so badly right now and it's bothering me, I feel so thankful to be at least mostly healthy (minus the depression and diabetes which are infact treatable and being treated), with an $8/hr job and a family who loves me, and friends who care. I have a roof over my head, and food to eat (enough to become overweight, if I wanted! :P ).
I'm on the honor roll at school and I don't have problems with drugs or alcohol, nor do I really have any enemies. God, I'm so....lucky....is the only word that comes to mine. Even if I can't have Sean, or pass Chemistry with over 80%, I'm still so lucky.

The next time you complain about how you have no friends when you really do, or how you can't afford that iPod y ou've been looking at, or that new bike, or that hot outfit, think, for christ sakes....At least you're not dying. You've got a house. You're healthy. When is enough enough?

Apparently never. We live in such a superficial society.
-sigh-

ps-- I'm not lying, I complain also, at many points, but this is what I'm thinking right at this moment.