Reflections of self.

My lack of confidence and self esteem is really bothering me lately. It causes problems that could be written off as minor to become larger issues than they are in reality. This causes me to be sad when I don't need to be.

I personally think I have a really good life. All my basic needs are being met. I've got shelter, enough food to eat, clothes to wear. I have two great parents who love me and my friends, who don't verbally, sexually or physically abuse me. I have a good paying job, I work with people I like. I get good, even great grades when I'm in school, and I work hard. I can afford luxuries in life, like expensive coffee, too many pairs of shoes, and music, all three of which I love. I have three best friends who I care about immensely, and I have other good friends that I also care about. I'm not overweight and my medical problems only consist of Diabetes, Asthma and Depression, all of which can be treated with medications (which I can afford, mind you).

So why, every time I have a crush on a guy, do I go into a huge downward spiral? I hate it! Everytime I like someone, or think someone likes me, I get excited for nothing, and of course nothing happens, and then I get disappointed, and I get hurt.
I'm going to compare it to getting drunk, so as to analogize my point. In the beginning you feel pretty good, headed out to drink with friends. You have complete control of your situation, and everything seems to be going well. You take the first drink. Still you feel good, but things might be starting to get a little out of control, you are doing things that you might not do if you were sober. As you continue to dip into the problem, and drink more, you may start feeling worse and worse and worse but you still keep sipping that cooler, or chugging that beer, or slamming back a few more shots of vodka until you're completely out of control, sobbing on the floor, throwing your guts up because you gave yourself more than you could take. And it was your fault. Your choice. You picked up the bottle and tipped it back, no one forced you.
You picked out the guy. A crush developed. No one forced you, but somehow it was uncontrollable.

I am a self-admitted control freak. I like everything to be perfectly in order. I hate group work because I don't trust people to do a good job in general. I have to have schedules planned out so I know what is going on, and when. I control my diet rather rigorously (partially because of my diabetes). I don't drink, because I lose control. I try my best to keep myself out of situations where I lose control.

I think I might be so scared/confused regarding the dating scene because when you like someone, it is completely out of control. I know for a fact that when I have a crush, it is extremely difficult to control my feelings and thought processes. As a result, I get confused in the situation, panic, and often end up getting hurt.

I tried to swear off dating and liking people to regain my control of my situation. But there's only so long that one person can stay in denial.

I just wish it would stop hurting. I want it to go away. Some nights, I feel like curling up in a ball and passing out, just so it will all go away for a few hours. So I don't have to think, so it doesn't matter that I'm not in control. But everything can't be cured with sleeping, as I learned about a year back.....I just want it to stop so bad...