"slip"

original post:
nexopia blog Sunday April 23 2006

slip.I'm so confused with you right now.
It's almost like I hate (well, dislike) and love you at the same time, and don't tell me it's not fucking possible, because I feel it right now. And I think about it all the time, it's annoying the fuck out of me. If I had a snowflake for every fucking time I overanalyzed this, school would be cancelled...for the entire winter.

I love you so much, I'm not sure if it's crossed the metaphorical 'friends' line yet. I might be toeing it. I might not. Or I could be long past, but I'm not sure, either I'm in denial and I stepped over a long time ago, or I'm not and I'm just hallucinating. You know what bothers me? The fact that it could viably be either one. I just don't know. I haven't got the control in this situation that I crave.

After we grew apart a little, it started to bother me. I knew it was inevitable, with something like that presenting itself, things were never going to be the same, as much as I wished they would. And then the distance grew a little. I know you care still, but I don't know whether you care about me half as much as I care about you. We haven't seen each other in a long time, and we never talk on the phone, or anything like that. We still understand each other like we used to although things have changed, but it's difficult without the physical presence.

I miss you, I don't miss you, I hate you, I love you, I need you, I want you to get out, I want to call you, I want to hang up the phone. I want to drive to see you, I want you to make the effort first. I want to know you care, I want to know you care.

I'm driving myself fucking insane. I'm pretty sure she was right in the first place because she's smart about that kind of thing, maybe I should just leave it, but it's so hard to stay away. There's this urge to pour my heart out all the time and let me tell you, it's hard to fight. Your other friends tell me about the fun things you guys do and I almost get so jealous I can't stand it. I'm happy you've got them, really I am, but I wish I still did.

I'm going insane, or I'm just being a girl.
Either way it feels like my heart is splitting in half, the stitches popping one by one by one.