Purposes

I wonder where everyone is really going in life. Some people are living their lives to the fullest, getting out there, and being whoever they want to be without concern for too many of the consequences. Living life in the fast lane, as we might like to call it. Some live life in a slower lane, afraid of what some people think, and worrying over the smaller things. It doesn't necessarily mean that either one of these people is wrong, it's just a different life strategy, and everyone has their own. Do we really have choices; and can we all control our feelings? Not necessarily, but that doesn't mean we can't try to live out our life to the fullest. Take charge, what's your purpose? Have you found it yet? If not, are you looking? Where are you going, what do you want to be? Are you running towards the truth or running from it? All important points to consider. Learn who you are as best as you can, try to find out the meaning of the feelings in your head and what's causing them. Have you got any regrets? Merriam Webster dictionary defines a regret as " to be very sorry for something". It's okay to feel bad about things, and to wish they didn't happen, but you are the one who chooses if these things effect you in your current stage of life. It's possible to break free if you try hard enough, but again, it's all up to you. Only you can control this kind of thing. We can always try to do what we want when we want; trying not to regret anything, but this isn't necessarily the best strategy. If we live our lives without regards to the consequences, we're bound to run into trouble somewhere, so all angles must be considered. Despite the fact that our lives are in our hands, there is also a lot of outer influence. No one makes all of their decisions completely by themself; and it's okay to ask for help sometimes. We'd never find ourselves completely if we didn't have others to help us. Even if we try to live our life to the fullest, we can still fail. There are still constraints to everything, but that's life. We've got to try to make something of it. And remember, you have the most influence over yourself. Use that influence as much as possible.

On a last note, "Do you serve a purpose or purposely serve" (from 'Omega' by Stone Sour)
Are you living life for you or someone else?
If you're living for someone else, is that person still going to be important to you in 10 years?
Will you be able to go on without that person if they leave, or have you become completely dependent?
And most importantly, how much control do you actually have if you're basing everything you think about yourself on someone else?
Think about it.

Grape suckers and broken hearts

I guess I’ve just started to think how cute little kids are. I’m sitting on the 60 waiting to go home so I can help my mom wash her hair. It’s like the sight of them almost brings me to tears, in a good and bad way at the same time. It makes me happy that their mom is treating them nicely and letting them sit where they want to. The girl, Melissa (or so I’ve heard) is wearing a cute little tanktop and short set which is blue and says princess on it. A package of cigarettes (a brand I’ve never heard of) is sticking out slightly from their mother’s backpack. For a second I wonder why she started smoking, and then I feel a little mad because her kids are probably inhaling secondhand smoke. I guess I can always hote that she smokes outside. The topic of smoking clouds my mind for a second (no pun intended :P). I think I’ve finally realized that there’s no real point to smoking, I mean not that I didn’t before, but still. All it does for the most part is waste your money and shorten your life one slow drag at a time. I guess that some people could argue--- wow. Now one of the kids is talking about how “daddy got in trouble with the police”, but one is arguing that he didn’t. I guess the parents are divorced. I wonder how that would be…I think I’d probably hate that. The little girl has just told her mom that she loves her. It’s adorable. I guess it makes me want to cry, again. The fact that this girl who can only be about 5 or 6 has such an unconditional love for someone, one that isn’t going to hurt, at least for now. One that’s going to last long where she doesn’t have to worry about someone breaking her heart. The smell of her grape sucker combined with the heat and my small lunch is making me nauseous. They’re getting off the bus now and walking down another cracked Millwoods sidewalk. I wonder where these innocent little kids are going in life. I know that one day they’re going to go through something terrible and feel like they can’t even recover, maybe even like they’re going to die. It might tear them apart from the insides while other people watch because they can’t even help. Unfortunately every single person has one of these events in their lifetime. The bend or break, fight or flight kind of situations. I still believe that everyone has the potential to get back up from these events; but not everyone uses this potential. I ride home with a heavy heart today, not because everyone goes through bad times---but because there seems to be so much opportunity in the world that’s often hard to take advantage of. Not everyone is brave and courageous, not everyone can say what they want when they want. People can’t just go around confessing their feelings and be accepted every time they do so. Some people can pick themselves up really easily because they love themselves and have self confidence, but not everyone does, and that’s the sad part. I suppose all we can do is keep trying—pushing harder to the bravery end of the spectrum and hoping it pays off (although no one can guarantee it will). But what happens when our will to try runs out?

Him.

I sit silently on my bed as he walks out of my room for the last time ever. He doesn't shut my door, but walks limply out and down my hallway, for the last time. And I am numb. I'm not sure whether it's from the fact that I am feeling too little, or feeling too much. Can I accept that it's over, or do I even really know what's happening? He has been crying for the past couple hours, and I am crying with him; I am crying with him as he promises over and over to kill himself, for I am the only girl that he will ever love. I am crying as he screams and cries and tells me not to, but I hold my ground. I am grabbing his arm as hard as I can and trying to prevent him from leaving, and he almost succeeds b ut does not really go, so I win this time. If I think back hard enough, I can still feel his arm in my hand, I can still feel my grip and my desperation, but mostly the guilt which ate at my insides those months ago. I can still see the knives in my kitchen. And I can see myself in my Chargers sweatsuit in front of the full length mirror in my parents' room, telling my mom that this is all my fault. I am so drained that I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to feel for. I cry and I cry and cry and nothing can take away how wrong I feel. How bad I feel, that I did something wrong. I wake up and Thursday is the happiest day of my life, I am happy and running around my math class and telling everyone what happened, because I am so relieved and maybe if I tell enough people, I will be able to start over quicker. I guess it isn't true. I guess it isn't true as I sit here many months later, on April 13, 2005. I think back and wish I could block it all out, but I can't. He is still dating Krysta like he was a year ago, and there is nothing I can do, and I cannot go back and make him keep his promise. I cannot go back and let him run out my door to go kill himself. I cannot rewind and put down the cigarette or put down the pipe or put down the bottle. I cannot go back and erase my promises. I can't fix what I've done, except to quit. I can stop this, and I remember the promise I made to myself about 8 days ago. Never again. I still wonder what he is doing. I still think about what happened on New Years. I still think about him, every single fucking day. And about how he won't disappear from my mind. He is stuck, and so am I. And my only option left is to pull myself completely out- but can I do this? I wonder...

Old friends.

This is so weird.
Everyone might remember how me and Megan used to be really great friends. The typical, out of the textbook sleepovers every weekend doing silly things together type friends. You know the kind and so do I, I don't even need to type out all the silly inside jokes, and everything we did.
Although we sort of split apart, sadly.
Brandon came into the picture, I got really sad, and she drifted out. And then Heather came along, and the drifting continued. I guess I never really liked Heather, mostly because I was really jealous of her-- she was a little bit pretty and she'd "taken" Megan from me. As retarded as that sounds, it was how I felt. I was angrier at her as time went on, and I even quit eating lunch with them because I felt so left out. They called me creepy, or something. And said to Devon behind my back that I was too sad, or something. I'd make a comment about something and they'd call me creepy. So I just stopped; and started eating with Kaitlyn, Jayme, Carisa and Ashley. I don't like Carisa that much, but whatever, it's a take what I can get type thing. They are nice to me most of the time.
Well, I was having this long talk with Austin the other night. After he's broken up with Stephanie, we've gone back to being really good friends.
We were talking about how Megan and I had drifted, and he said that if I wanted to go back to being best friends with her, chances are I could, and that I should try. I wasn't sure I wanted to though, but I was trying to think about it.
The next morning, none other than Megan walks into my work. I'm at till 14, and she whisper-shouts "RACHEL". And I was like, holy shit. She'd come in for a job interview, which basically meant she was going to be working there soon. Then she went through my till with her dad a while later and left.
I come on msn later that night and first thing she says is "SUPERSTORE BUDDIES FOR LIFE!<3" and it was weird cause for a sec things were back to how they used to be. Just for a sec.
And I think I want them back.
I think Steph is mad at me though, because I'm being such a hypocrite. I usually do this though, I can't make up my mind, and I end up looking like a hypocrite. True that that I called her a slut infront of Steph and Jeff, and I said I'd make comments to her the next time she wore something that didn't fit. I want to tell them that maybe I didn't really mean it, maybe I just said it because I was so mad at her, for I'm not sure what, but now that I've realized she isn't mad at me, I just want her back as a friend. I know what she wears bothers me, but a lot of things do and I probably shouldn't be so judgemental.
That's another problem with me, I want everyone to like me so I try and make everyone happy. One day I'm scared it's going to get the best of me and I'm going to be running around like crazy not knowing what to do. I just think I should try to be friends with Megan again, and hope Steph doesn't get mad.
On another thought, Jeff won't quit running through my mind, and I hate it. It's like he's always there, I mean he's a great friend. But I'm just going to be sad again when I see nothing is happening. I don't want to end up crying over something like this again, but I probably will. That's another bad thing.

So why can't I find any good things, what the hell's with this? Grr, I'm not sure.
But I'm so confused. I hope I can stop liking him, but that's most likely to not happen until he formally has to reject me. Great, now the waiting game. I've been waiting for so long...so how long until someone shows up that actually likes me?

Cycles

I'm lying alone on the floor of my bathroom. It's Saturday night, and I am home alone, rather than being out and doing something. I attempt to get up again, but the pain of my emotions force me back onto the cold blue and white tile. I lie with my face pressed into them, sobbing until I'm not only choking on my own air, but on my own tears. Each breath is like a struggle, a struggle I don't want to face, but do anyway. "It's okay," I tell myself. "There's someone else out there...I swear."
This brings on a fresh cascade of tears, I do nothing to stop them. The music plays over and over in my head, along with my thoughts. I tell myself I have to do something, and I pull off the floor. I walk back into my room to my computer, and tell him to have a good night. The tears still come as I switch off my monitor and collapse into bed, waiting for the next time. Waiting for the next day to possibly bring some hope into my situation. This is all lost for a moment, and I fall into a drug induced sleep. Then, I wake up and do it all over again. How charming.

I miss the old times. Like the ones fairly far back, just everything. I live in the past now, and it's hard when it stays like this. When I can't sever the ties because I want what I had back, but really I just want it all to fade to black. And slip,slip,slip away. I miss the old times. I miss walking down the street holding hands. I miss being drug free. I miss the promise I had that I would never smoke a cigarette. That I broke, one inhale at a time. I miss my old friends. I miss the dancing with Davis at diabetic camp. I miss me and Jenny's foam night. I'm going to miss Gib when he dies from bone cancer that is killing his cells one bit at a time. I miss nights staying out late on our front porches with Justin, Nathan, Sheri and Jessica. I miss Nicole M's mini backyard pool, I still remember the day we were singing to Kiss From A Rose on the way home from somewhere. It was so loud and no one had even blasted music around me before. I remember making friendship bracelets with her. I remember when me and nathan and candice and nicole wrote her a note about how we thought she was behaving, and I delivered it. And she cried. And I felt horrible. I miss the long bike rides, and the time my blood sugar got low and I crashed into the back of a parked car. I miss going for slurpees late at night. I miss doing things late outside at night. I miss those little pink glasses I had in Grade 2. I miss the dogs that used to live in the backyard. I miss playing random nintendo at Nathan's with Justin until our brain turned to mush. I miss the trampoline at Grandma and Grandpa's, and how the stars looked outside. And when I was there, I missed home and my friends. I miss the sailing trip so badly that words can't describe it. Every single day of that damn thing, I miss. Many many moments. I miss going to the park afterschool pretty much everyday in grade 5/6. I miss when the boys chased me around, haha. I remember the day when Greg got stung by a wasp. I remember when we all used to go skating in the winter. I remember when me and Monica and Sheetal hung out all the time in the summer, rollerblading, biking and playing badminton in the middle of the road in the dark. And cars would come, and we'd scream. I miss trying to run outside in the hail, and my mom yelling "YOU GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW." I miss the happy music, over and over again. I miss our kickball games in the back alley by Nathan's. I remember drawing all over with sidewalk chalk. I miss days at Austin's. I miss the day we drove down a gravel road at 80km/hr in an Escalade. I remember sitting downstairs at his house with him and Megan, and him always jokingly wanting to watch the porno channel. I miss the hippie girlfriends. I miss when we were so drunk that we had to walk TJ home and he was still drunk and puking. Everyone always puked but me. Maybe I was a strong drunk, but it doesn't matter anymore. I had to hold that empty chip bag while heather puked and it was gross. I don't have much to show for that. I don't have much to remember for that time period. I remember the first time I got stoned, in Brandon's room with AJ and Shane. I remember nights with Mark and Austin and Megan and Me. I remember the good times, and the bad ones too. But for this thing's sake. The good things. So now, I sit. Crying and listening to the same song over again, and hoping something will change. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. The question is whether I can keep on trying. I guess we'll have to see.

the lack of other fishes.

You and me.
Meant to be.
Immutable.
Impossible.

-Stand Inside Your Love by The Smashing Pumpkins

Impossible, the key word in most cases. Or at least most of mine.
Ever notice that no matter how many people tell you the cliche line "there's more fish in the sea", it doesn't make you feel any better, much less acknowledge that? When you have feelings for someone, you have feelings for that person. It doesn't matter how many cute people they throw at you, nor does it matter who did what.
You seem to want that person, and only that person. If you can't have them; you won't even feel half special, no matter how many nice comments other people throw at you. Your image only matters to that one person, at least for now. Notice the fact you barely ever get a chance with that special person.

Then, the case progresses. You continue to have feelings for the same person, only now they seem to be increasing in intensity (forgive the predictability). Unfortunately, you don't want to tell them. "What will they say?" "We are good friends, it'll get weird!" "No, I don't think I can." "I'm too shy." "They'll never like me back, what's the point?" "It'll just feed his/her ego."
Excuses, excuses, excuses. Sometimes it's all you ever seem to do, make excuses for things. This is most likely because you're so worried about what others will think--especially that special person. Of course you can't tell them, you like them too much to even let them know, ironically.

Maybe you're scared of what they'll think, maybe you're scared that things will get weird. Or maybe you think you might look stupid, or will feel embarrassed. Seems to me like you don't want to tell them just because you're finally admitting we have a crush on them. It's a kind of closure that you aren't ready for yet. You're putting it out in the open, and actually acknowledging the fact. You're telling them you like them, so of course that means that you do, and it might not stop anytime soon. You can't deny it much longer. You've told them how we feel, and there is no turning back now. Occasionally, and I mean on fairly rare occasions, they feel the same. It's a "wow, I was about to tell you the same" type thing, which sometimes happens for people in good situations. And notice that by sometimes, you basically mean never.

More often, it's "sorry...I don't feel the same", "oh" or "I'm sorry, I just think of us as friends". What then? You've poured our heart out, only to realize that they don't feel the same, and now things have a fair chance of becoming awkward. It hurts to know that you do in fact actually have a crush on this person, and you've used up your last bit of courage (and chances not to mention), on telling them how you feel.
They are going to walk back down the street you just walked up together, and they are going to get back on their bus that sends them to their part of town. The streetlights are going to shine dully down on the black pavement where yesterday's rain still lingers. You accidentally step in a puddle but continue on towards your destination. Maybe home, maybe not. Maybe anywhere...You'll walk the opposite way, feeling slightly better, but still so empty. They really don't feel the same, despite everything you tried to tell them. No chance, just as you suspected in the beginning, before the hope got to be more than you could bear.

Climb into your car, drive home, and proceed to play sad music on repeat while you finish yesterday's ice cream. Then crawl into bed, play the day over 10 times in your head, and shut off your lights because you're on the verge of a drug induced sleep. But despite the drugs that are working to put you there, you probably won't sleep that much anyway. Thoughts are going to run through your head until the point of exhaustion.

When you wake up in the morning, you're going to vent to your friends, maybe they'll help you, and maybe they won't. Chances are, they're going to tell you that there are "other fish in the sea". Like it even matters to you now. The only fish you wanted has just slipped off your line and is swimming quickly away, as your boat drifts away into nowhere. Notice that these are the same friends whom you told that they'd always have a chance, that they could always do something. But of course you can't follow your own advice and it sure isn't going to help you now.

All that's left to do is wait. Wait until you start lusting over the next person. Only time will tell when this happens, but of course you're going to be scared while you wait. Sitting alone and wondering, who is going to be the one to crush your spirit....this time.

Gymnastics.

I miss gymnastics really badly, despite the fact I wasn't very good. If I could lose 30 lbs, I might just be able to get back into it, but I doubt it. I still want to though. I miss the smell of the gym, and the chalk. And jumping into the foam pit, and flipping and running and cartwheeling. I miss the back handspring attempts and the very first time I succeded at a balk walkover--when the gym was in its old location on Wagner Road. I miss the swinging on the bars, the chalk going everywhere and getting on my clothes which made me mad at the time, but wouldn't bug me now. I even miss the rips, and the pain. And the elation when you landed something, when you did something right. I learned a pullover, and once I could do that, I did a back hip circle. And then I was going to learn a kip, but I quit. I got to green and quit. And I miss it. The air trak, and falling off it. All the little girls wanting to use me as a jungle gym and crawling all over me; which really pissed me off then. But it wouldn't now, it wouldn't now...Gymnastics used to be a big part of my life; along with other things like friends, etc. Like the time I thought I had too many friends. I didn't. I didn't worry about my weight then, but now that I barely get any exercise, I'm sort of adding on the pounds. I want to get up and run, but I feel like crap. I could probably go for a good pair of running shoes right now. Instead, I sit in my basement and listen to sad songs over and over while I cry about things that can't be. It's pathetic really, but who am I to change it? I wouldn't do a good job anyway, most likely.
It's been awhile since the last time I went all out.
Or really acted like me.
Meh, I suppose there's a reason.
Emotionally, I guess I'm still sort of like a gymnast--waiting to topple off the edge.
Sort of I'm still like one, minus the courage.

Dear Brittany...

Hi Brittany;
Probably sounds creepy or something, but I was thinking about you again lately. I ride the 60 home now, your house is really close to one of the stops. I think about you when we pass by the stops, it's just by the ravine and Minchau, where we went together. Again about Nika and Lucky, we used to walk them in the ravine a lot. I don't know if you remember. Lucky has probably passed away by now, I'm really sorry. The first sleepover I went on ever was at your house. I remember that I was a little jealous of you sometimes because your parents had a lot of money. You never flaunted it, though. That was one of the things I liked about you. We rode in a limo on that birthday of yours. I can't remember who else was there, I think Anna might have been, and your cousin. If I remember correctly, all the girls were hitting on him as well as we knew how to in Grade 5. It was pretty funny. We rode a limo, it was black. I remember us standing up and yelling out the skylight "IT'S BRITTANY'S BIRTHDAY!!". I was surprised your parents didn't get mad because they were pretty strict. We were out in the limo for quite a while, and it was the only one I had ever been in, it was so fun. And you were my best friend and were there too, so that made it all the more better. When your dad paid for it, I watched him pay cash, and it was all 20s. I was surprised because I'd probably never seen that many 20s in my life. There were at least 9; and I was just stunned, lol. Little kids....We all slept on the floor downstairs, it was funny. Something else I remember about you was your watercolor pencils. I think they were your favorite method of media, like I said before, you really loved art. I remember the one time we ate too much junk food at your house, and you threw up, and I felt so bad about it. I felt like it was my fault or something, I was famous for that. Thinking things were my fault...
I also remember your newts. I remember you told me how you fed them blood worms, and I was so grossed out because I thought they were giant bleeding worms. When they weren't, I was a little surprised, but it sure was funny. I forgot what they were named :( Sorry about that...
I don't know. I just really wish I could talk to you again. Or that you'd like, appear out of somewhere, or I'd run in to you on nexus or something. You were going through sad things earlier than me, I'm so sorry I didn't understand. I ran into some of those things later, and I feel really bad for not understanding before. I guess you don't get those kind of things until you go through them yourself.
Another thing I remember is when you went to Marine Land. You really loved dolphins, and last time I knew, I think you wanted to be a marine biologist. When you came back, you brought me a paperweight with an Orca on it, you were intent on people not calling them killer whales. It was really pretty, I still have it. You also brought me a purple pencil that said "Marine Land" on it, and had pictures of marine animals. I was afraid to use it before because I was worried that I'd sharpen it so much that the logo would get cut off. I used it a lot later on, and the eraser is still gone,but the pencil is still around. It sounds so dorky, but I want to keep that pencil forever. And the paperweight too. I was really mad a couple weeks ago and I wanted to throw it at a wall, but I'm glad I didn't.
Well, I'm going to continue talking to Jeff and Brent now. Wherever you are, I hope you're sleeping well. And that you're still doing well in school and stuff.
Miss you,
-Rach

Members of the opposite (or same sex, if you're gay) are too damned hard to figure out.

If only it was like in that Switchfoot song... "like today never happened".
Not today necessarily, today was okay. But some days in general. Too bad this thing is going to have a hetero bias, oh well.
Figuring out the opposite sex. When people read this, if anyone ever does, I can almost see them cringing in disgust...well, I sure am. This is probably the hardest thing for someone to do, get into someone else's mind.
Relationships are so fucking confusing. First, you can't decide whether you want one or not. Then you're either single and lonely, or taken and dissatisfied. It just seems like it never works out; for a good majority of the time. It's not just me; but over the years things seem to get rockier and rockier. I like so many people, not at the same time of course, but manage to get rejected by every one of them, unless they like me first (which they barely ever, and if they do, they are Mr. Wrong). I can't figure out what it is about me, maybe it's nothing, but then why the hell does all of this stuff keep happening?
I'm disgusted by it, and sick of it. It's almost bordering on pathetic, like I can't do anything about it almost.
Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I wasn't really shy. If I could actually tell the person how I really felt about them without being embarrassed, and say it properly...and in person. That'd be amazing, maybe. Or just painful, when I got the same standard "sorry, we're too good of friends" crap. Well not necessarily crap, I just hate to hear it. Such a huge disappointment, that's why I quit telling people...for a long time. Or maybe. I really want to tell the person I like now that I like him, but it wouldn't go over well at all. At least I'm doubting it. The how I doubt he feels the same, and everything.
It just doesn't stop. It's like my heart controls itself and decides to throw itself off bridges, or get eaten by dogs or something. I really don't know anymore. I fall for so many people so quickly that it's almost like it's not even worth hoping at all. I can't stop that bad habit either--hope.
Most people say hope is a good thing to have, but I don't think so. I really think that hope involves a lot of denial. If you're always hoping for something better, how are you supposed to accept that something bad has happened, and that good things don't always happen? Exactly, you don't. You just keep hoping for better, but sometimes better just doesn't come, and you end up being sadder in the end. Without hope, you can just be sad about the issue at hand, and not have to worry about it getting better.
It's weird, I guess.
And surreal.
Sometimes, your mind can warp things into being something they're completely not when you're desperate, which is even more stupid. Even if "he" says a little tiny thing, my mind warps it into something and of course it warps it into thinking that he likes me. When he really doesn't. I think that's one of the worst parts, lack of realism and too much dreaming. I used to always maintain the fact to everyone that I was this huge realist, but in reality, I actually almost dream too much for my own good. It makes me sad, because I'm always worried and sad because sometimes my dreams just don't get achieved. And sometimes they are just ridiculous to start with. It sort of seems like Greener With The Scenery by the Used... "my fingernail phase, worst has got the best of you I ask you and I know I need to change. Change. "
I do need to change, but I think something needs to come on to provoke that.
I really want to date him, but I doubt it's ever going to happen, no matter how many 11:11 wishes I use up, or what.
It's just...hopeless. In general.
So why in the hell do I feel so hopeful?